Much ado about nothing

welfare baby

2011-05-31T03:03:00.001-04:00

Please explain to me why I have to work to support your lazy ass? Your rent is $32 a month, you get $450 in food stamps, and a check from the government. Yet you don’t work, never have in fact, and continue to pop out more babies while driving around in your pimped out Lexus. You want to know what I drive? I drive a damn Avalon, a 99 Toyota freaking Avalon. You want to know something else? I have $30,000 in student loans so that I don’t ever have to be on welfare. Guess what else? I know how to use a condom and I know what birth control does so I am not popping out kids I can’t afford. But not you. No, I mean why would you when it’s so much easier to just sit back, relax, and let me do all the work? I blame the government. The welfare system is designed to keep you on it. Think about it: a system that rewards you for doing nothing and penalizes you for trying to better yourself sounds sketch to me. As soon as I graduated high school and went to college every government benefit I had was taken from me including health insurance, the one thing I really needed. Yet, if I had stayed home and decided to pop out a litter of Bebe’s kids, the government would have paid for everything. As long as you don’t try to work the government will pay your rent but the moment you get a $7 an hour job they try to raise your rent to $600 a month. Seriously? This works how? Don’t misunderstand, I grew up on welfare and I am not ashamed of that fact. I remember the food stamp coupons in different colors. I remember being in the DSS office with my mom. I remember getting my medicaid sponsored checkups for school. I also remember a woman that went back to school, a woman that kept a job, a woman that did not want to pass down that life to her girls. There are those out there that are on welfare because they have no choice and they are fighting everyday to get off that system. I salute them. You, with your Ronald McDonald red weave, are not one of them. You seem to relish being a leech on society. You are proud of your inabilty to contribute to humanity. Hell, you probably can’t even spell “humanity” can you? You disgust me. You are not a woman and you do not deserve to use such a title.

Heavy

2011-05-14T02:41:00.002-04:00

In one day my world was shattered. How can you look at a one year old with those thoughts? How could you hurt my nephew? Why did my little love one have to suffer? How dare you steal his innocence? My heart is so heavy. I hurt so much. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t be there to protect him. I feel guilty that I can’t be there for my sister to let her lean on me. You are a sick, disgusting individual. You deserve a place below Hell. You deserve the worst punishment that can be given. I want to be the one to make you beg for mercy but that is not my place. Vengeance is not mine. No, you will get yours. Continue to run. Continue to try and hide from what you deserve. You cannot hide from God. You will reap what you sow. Inmates just love *your* kind. Enjoy your freedom while it last because you are going away for a long, long time. You will answer to a higher power for what you have done. You have not won. You will not win.

Thoughts of the moment

2011-04-17T02:22:00.002-04:00

It’s like 2 in the morning. My roommate is on the other couch with his laptop. I have a paper due by midnight tonight. What am I doing? I am listening to Speakerboxx by Outkast while eating Granny Smith apples. Who is Granny Smith anyway and why are her apples so damn delicious? Why am I asking you like you know? It’s moments like this that I realize I am truly blessed to have made it as far as I have in school because I have the attention span of a two year old. Not only that, I am distracted by shiny objects. Furry ones too. Oh, and anything that moves. And chocolate. Why don’t I have a dragon yet? Science has cloned sheep and cats but I don’t have my dragon and I am pissed. Wait, what was I thinking about again? Oh right the paper. Oh hey Elliott bought home a copy of the newspaper, maybe I should read it! No, no not that paper, the nursing school paper. Yeah, that one. Nevermind I’m going to bed…

Crazy magnet

2011-03-28T18:25:00.001-04:00

I am a magnet for crazy. No, seriously I am a MAGNET. Not just like slightly crazy. I get the, on a bike, wearing six different colors, asking can he take me for a ride, crazy. If they aren't crazy then they are old enough to be my dad's dad. Like today. I walk out of my house to take my weekly trip to Mojo's for wings. This guy named Chemo, that's his name (he cuts grass in the neighborhood), starts following along on my walk just talking like we are old buddies. He walked all the way to 27th street with me. He turns off and then some guy on a moped decides I look just dumb enough to answer to "aye shawty!" Ignored him only to have a CAR FULL OF GUYS start honking at me. First of all why do ALL OF YOU need to hang out of the window to talk to me? You just look ghetto and creepy. Of course it's not just the neighbor hood crazies that I attract. I think being in the medical field makes me fair game for sick nut jobs. My patients in withdrawal, or with one foot amputated due to non compliance with diabetes, or with CHF and a child my age, those are the ones that want to flirt. Is it me? Am I wearing a sign that says "open season"? Seriously, am I putting off some kind of scent that attracts whack jobs? I can say that after talking to a friend in the medical field crazy creepers have become an epidemic. Crack heads are getting bold now. Ghetto heffas are feeling themselves for some reason. Wannabe thugs really think the stand a chance. Did I miss something? Did someone announce that having nothing going for yourself is "in season" now? Is "bum-chic" the new hottest thing on the runways? Somebody help me out here!

Timshel

2011-03-07T16:14:00.002-05:00

Over the course of the night I have talked about everything from music to beer to tattoos. A friend told me she wanted to get “Timshel” tattooed on her. After much discussion I found out what it means. Can one word have enough meaning to change how you think? Maybe, for “Timshel” is Hebrew for “Thou mayest”. It means we are given a CHOICE. You can or you cannot. How profound. There’s a book called “East of Eden” that has a character that has a wonderful discussion involving “Timshel”. He is asking about a passage in the bible 4Genesis particularly the 7th verse. The KJV says “7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” The ESV translates it as “7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” The character looks at “thou shalt” and “you must” and begins to question why the difference. “Thou shalt” he sees as a promise from God that Cain will triumph over sin while “You must” he considers a demand that Cain triumph over sin. He wanted to know why there was a difference so asked someone he knew that spoke understood Hebrew to explain this. In Hebrew it says “ז הֲלוֹא אִם-תֵּיטִיב, שְׂאֵת, וְאִם לֹא תֵיטִיב, לַפֶּתַח חַטָּאת רֹבֵץ; וְאֵלֶיךָ, תְּשׁוּקָתוֹ, וְאַתָּה, תִּמְשָׁל-בּוֹ. If thou doest well, shall it not be lifted up? and if thou doest not well, sin croucheth at the door; and unto thee is its desire, but thou mayest rule over it.” Neither “thou shalt” or “you must’ but instead “thou mayest”, implying a choice to conquer over sin. Does Timshel change the meaning? Does it imply that God gives us the choice to overcome sin? Choice. Such a small but influential word. Choice meaning it’s a decision we must make and thus live with its consequences. What a powerful thought…

Even books can be ghetto?

2011-02-18T19:59:00.002-05:00

Can someone please tell me why there are books that look like bootleg CD’s? Why are there books with titles like “Marry your baby daddy” or “Ridin dirty on I-95″? Why are these called “urban books”? Urban, as in black you mean? I understand our people need to read more. I know, reading is fundamental but really? This is the best we can do? We couldn’t come up with something more positive for our people to read? We REALLY enjoy playing up to the stereotypes don’t we? It’s a damn shame that this is the best we can do. This is nothing to be proud of. Once again, we have got to do better my people.

Let the locing begin

2011-01-24T15:29:00.002-05:00

So I have made a big decision. I am going to loc my hair. Yes, you heard me right I am locing. I have actually received quite a bit of positive feedback from my friends. I am so surprised at the encouragement that I am getting, especially from the black community. Why am I surprised at the support from MY people? That's easy, every negative comment I have gotten about my natural hair has been from a black man or woman. When I first decided to go natural I was met with negativity. "Why did you cut off all that pretty hair?"<--friends back home. "Your little fro looks like a burnt Q-tip."<--coworkers. "Are you going to get a texturizer to loosen the curls?"<--parents. "When are you going to get another relaxer?"<--family and friends. Yeah none of that was too encouraging, but I simply smiled and learned to let their ignorance of natural hair roll off my back. Yet every other race that I have encountered had nothing but positivity for me. "I love how thick your hair is!" "Look at those pretty springy coils!" "OMG the big hair is awesome, you should wear it more!" Why is it that the majority of support couldn't come from my own people? Why is my natural seen as unnatural by my people? Why must we always be so negative to one another? I almost went back so I could make everyone else happy. Then my hair started to grow. Then my curls started to show. Then I realized God makes no mistakes and if this is the hair He gave me then I have no reason to be ashamed. I have absolutely no regrets about my choice to be natural, my hair is healthier than ever. Now I want to try something new. Now I want to let the twists I always have be a little more permanent. Now I want to do whatever I want to do to my hair. So now I start my locing journey. There will be ups, downs, twists, turns, progress, and setbacks. You know what though? I am going to sit back and enjoy the ride. AND AWAAAAAAY WE GO!

Misery loves Facebook

2010-12-27T23:20:00.000-05:00

Why, oh why does every status have to be about someone doing you wrong. These people are fake. This person is all in your business. Your man/woman is doing you wrong. This person has broken up with you and you just cannot understand why. Have you ever stopped to think maybe it's you? If you whine all day like you whine on Facebook I wouldn't want to be around you either. You put a play by play of all your business on your page and then complain about people being all in your business. I particularly love the lyrics from whatever "you did me wrong you will get yours one day" song of the day that you post. AND OF COURSE THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE SURE YOUR STATUS IS SEEN. Why hasn't someone slapped the annoying-ness out of you yet? Has no one just grabbed you by your neck and shook the sh*t out of you? Have you ever heard the saying " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results"? If that is so then you are as insane as they come.

Don't ask, don't tell, don't be so freaking stupid.

2010-12-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

The "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy was finally repealed. Yet Virginia's very own Delegate Bob Marshall, in an effort to be as backwards and ignorant as possible, wants to ban gays from the National Guard. Um, what? Didn't the rest of the government just say screw that, if you want to fight be our guest? Please explain to me why you, Mr. Marshall, still can't accept it? What, does a gay not deserve to fight for his country because he is gay? That alone should totally make him ineligible? Well since you don't like gays would you like to removed colored folks too? Maybe we can re-segregate the military. Why stop there?! Let's hit the school system too! Gays in their own school, gays in their own hospitals, gays drink from different water fountains, gays use separate doors... Oh, you aren't singling them out? It's because it can undermine the military? Really? Can someone explain how being gay makes someone less of a soldier? Is a soldier going to stop in the middle of a war and say "I know we are being shot at right now but can he not be a part of my platoon, he's gay"? Do they not fight the same fight? Do they not go through the same training? Do they not feel the same loss of losing a comrade? Oh, they do? Then what exactly is the problem?

Hilarious

2010-12-13T20:01:00.003-05:00

I find it funny, no in fact hilarious, how people thrive off misery whether real or imaginary. Especially when it comes to relationships. The moment you look like you are upset or the moment you have an argument everybody wants to give you the "I told you it wouldn't work" look. Not every disagreement is THE ONE that is going to end the relationship. Not every fight is reassurance that you were right when you said it wouldn't work. Why do people enjoy unhappiness so much? Why do people seem to relish any moment that seems like you are having a hard time. They want to know "what's wrong?" or "what happened?". They don't care really, they just want to know your business and enjoy the fact that you are unhappy. They just need something to talk about when they get around their other miserable friends. Do you not have your own life to live? Don't you have your own business to attend to? Do you not have your own relationship to build? I guess not or else you wouldn't be in other people's lives would you?

Closure for the Phoenix

2010-11-17T21:44:00.003-05:00

This post is for you, you know who you are. You won't see it though because I made sure we would never have contact again. I need closure, closure I didn't get because when the shit hit the fan you had already left the country. I never got to say what I needed to say to your face. Instead you got to walk away free and clear so I shall say my piece now. Thank you. Thank you for showing me how strong I can be. Thank you for showing me I can get back up when I fall to my lowest. Thank you because I now have a new friend that was my pillar of strength just as I was hers as we got over you. Thank you because now I know what I want in a man. In fact thanks to you I have a wonderful man in my life that gives me everything you didn't. I should be bitter. I should hate you. Yet your inability to trust has taught me how to trust. Can I lie and say I don't want to hit you in your pretty little face? No, in fact I want to see you bleed but I will get over that. I kind of still want to set both your cars on fire (you don't need to be in them, after all I am not a murderer. Violent but not a murderer). I want to cause you the same amount of pain you caused Peacock and I but what good would it do? It would be a temporary win, a false positive if you will. Instead I am going to go with God and my late Mother's teachings. Instead I will forgive you, forgive you and forget you. I will continue my success that I have achieved. I will do what I always do, I will rise from the ashes because I am the Phoenix...

Looking back on the year

2010-10-26T18:01:00.003-04:00

This has been one hell of a year. I got cheated on by some miserable ol' loser. Gained a wonderful new boyfriend instead. I graduated nursing school. I got my first job as an RN. I finally spoke to my estranged sister (I haven't forgiven her yet but that is going to take a LONG time. I lost my wonderful Grandpa. I met the cousin I have been trying to meet for four years now. October 18, 2010 at 11:55 am marked eleven years since my mother died. I passed the NCLEX and made the RN title official. I am getting surgery to finally fix my jaw. Things have just been a blur really. One day I am slamming my Acute Care book closed screaming "I can't do this!" the next I am looking at the board to see which patients I have. Its funny how sometimes you can't picture your future during the present. It seems surreal. It feels like I am talking about someone else when I say I am a nurse. Its a strange yet beautiful feeling to sign "RN" behind my name. There is something else I feel. I feel like I deserve this. I have been through enough in my life to earn the good times that are here and the good times to come. This is my time. These are my blessings. This is my life. It's time for me to live it.

Dear NCLEX

2010-10-14T14:04:00.003-04:00

Dear NCLEX,

I am writing you to tell you I am not scared of you anymore. You do not dictate my self worth. You are simply a test, a generic test created to make nurses feel like they don't know anything. Well you know what? I know a lot more than you think I do. I can save a life if I need to. I don't work in your perfect little hospital in your unrealistic world and I am totally ok with that. Instead I work on a floor full of chaos with a group of amazing nurses that can show me how to handle it. I may not know which cardiac drug fits in which category right off the top of my head but I can damn sure tell when it isn't working correctly. No, I don't know the Tanner stages of development for pediatrics but I know a sick kid when I see one. So to you NCLEX I say this: give me your best shot and watch me ricochet it right back at ya...

Barbie? Really?

2010-09-22T20:54:00.002-04:00

Can someone, anyone please tell me how are young girls no longer wan to become woman but want to become "Barbies"? So as a female you want to be a fake unrealistic replica of a woman? Really? At first I really blamed Nicki Manaj for this bullshit. As if our little girls don't have enough ridiculous images thrown at them! But as I take more time and think about it she isn't to blame, it would be easy to blame her. No this goes much deeper. This is what happens when moms stop being "role models" and started being "friends". Moms have stopped teaching their girls how to hold themselves to a higher standard. Moms aren't telling their little girls to be the best they can be. No, moms are now teaching their girls how to "drop it low" at three years old and posting it on youtube. Now moms are going out with their daughters to parties. Now the grandma is 45, the mom is 30, the daughter is 15 and pregnant. We have seriously got to reevaluate what we are doing...

The dumbing down of us

2010-07-17T14:17:00.002-04:00

Since when is it cute for you to speak with such ignorance that I can not actually understand you? Why am I spending minutes, not seconds, deciphering your facebook status because it doesn't make sense? When did dumb become the new smart? Why do I now feel like a minority when I go out to certain places and listen to conversations? When did being educated go out of style? Did I miss something? Was there a newsletter that came out that stated we should forget the strength and pride of those who came before us and instead live up to the porch monkey stereotype? When the hell did my people get so... dumb? You can name every member of Young Money but you can't actually read the lyrics if I put them in front of you. You can walk around with your pants so low that you might as well just take them off but you can't walk to put in some applications and get a job. Your car is sitting on 22's and yet your babies don't have diapers. You talk about how their is nothing in your neighborhood, nowhere for you all to go, but the moment something is built you and your boys are the first ones breaking in. You talk about how drugs destroyed your family and your hood as you sell crack to the mother with 4 children and no food. You complain that someone is always trying to hold you down but you never actually tried to get up. When did we give up wanting to be teachers, doctors, lawyers? Now we want to play basketball or maybe football, and if we are being really ambitious we want to be a rapper. How did calling a woman a "five star bitch" become acceptable? Does this bother anyone besides me?

Build up to breakdown

2010-06-07T14:42:00.003-04:00

After three years it turns out the man I though I knew, I knew nothing about at all. I loved and thought I was loved. Instead I was one of many being "loved". I gave my best and he gave his best performance. When the truth came out I didn't feel anything. I didn't hurt, I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad. Today is a different story. Today my heart is heavy. Today I am ashamed for being so stupid and blind. Today I am angry that I was used. Today my "slap-a-bitch" hand is tingling, not for her but for him. Today everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I never wanted to let a man make me cry and yet tears well up in my eyes. I never wanted to let a man steal my joy and yet I can't even fake a smile. I thought I was stronger than this and yet here I am. I guess I am going to go through several emotions over the course of this healing process. I will yell, scream, smile, cry over and over until it is done. I know that in the end I will come out stronger than I was before. I have to because I am a De'Braux, I am my mother's child and the one thing she gave me before she left this Earth was her strength.

Change is gonna come

2010-06-02T22:24:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks... A couple of weeks stand between me and probably one of the biggest achievements of my life. I will be done with nursing school in a little over two months. I will have a career that I have wanted for years. I will be done with school, at least for awhile. I will have finally done it. Yet I am afraid. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of being a nurse, its my life's passion. I am afraid of the change to come. My life will change and I am sure for the better, and yet... I am afraid. I know why and it bothers me that it, well, bothers me. I am afraid of what others strive for. I am afraid of NOT having to work so hard, of NOT being a student, of NOT having to be full time here and there. I am afraid of having down time. Since the death of my mother I learned to deal with emotions by NOT dealing with them at all, just keep myself busy. I graduated high school with honors because I threw myself into school. I immediately got a full time job after school. I then went to college, never below full time. Since I was 19 years old I have been a full time employee and student somewhere. I have barely had time to sleep, let alone grieve and now I am afraid of what will happen when I DO have time. I don't want to think. I don't want to grieve. I don't want to feel. I just want to keep floating through life like I have been. I don't want things to change and there is the problem. I know me, I know the person I am. I won't sit back and enjoy my new career, my free time, my increase in pay. I won't travel, spend money, and have fun. I will work full time, and get a second job or probably try to find a reason to go back to school so things stay the way they are. Being stretched to the limit has become my comfort zone. Not dealing with my emotions has become my norm. I don't know how to just LIVE, to just BE. Its like the 90's movie "Speed", if the bus slows down or stops its going to blow up. I am that bus, if I slow down or stop I am going to finally explode from the inside out. I am afraid of all the things I will start to remember, all the things I hid away, all the things I never dealt with. I'm afraid... I'm afraid

Reflection

2010-05-04T15:27:00.003-04:00

Stood in the mirror and took a good long look at myself and noticed all my flaws. My head is just too big. My eyes are such a plain brown. My hair is just too thick. My lips are just there to hide these damn braces. My fingers are so long and skinny. My chest is too flat. My hips look so big. My feet are so large. My skin has such a funny pink undertone. My waist isn't small enough. I am just not a pretty girl. As I stood there tears began to well in my eyes. Everything that could ever be wrong with a person was wrong with me. How could someone love this? I reached to turn off the light so I wouldn't have to see my reflection anymore but stopped. Something whispered to me "my child, look again." I raised my head and saw my real reflection. This big head is full of knowledge and fits me just fine. The plain brown eyes can see right through your bull. This thick hair is God given, gorgeous, and natural. These pouty pink lips are made to be kissed not just to hide my braces. The long skinny fingers will hold the tools to save your life soon. My bra size does not make me any less feminine. These are some good ol' fashion southern belle hips right here! These big feet keep me planted firmly on the ground. This pinkish skin was my mother's skin and it just as beautiful on me as it was on her. What man wants a small waisted woman anyway, he wants something to hold on to and I have it. You're damn right I am not a pretty girl, I am a beautiful woman. How can someone NOT love me?

No thanks, I will tough it out

2010-02-20T21:50:00.002-05:00

For over a year now I have had an issue with my knee. I have great health insurance, and I work in a hospital... yet I will not go to the doctor! I know something is wrong, I can feel it worsening day by day. What makes it so bad is I just got done yelling at my friend for not going to the doctor since she was sick yet my leg is about to fall off and I am trying to shake it off... What the hell is wrong with me? How can I become a nurse and try and educate people on how to take care of themselves when I am letting myself fall apart? What is my aversion to the doctor? I frustrate myself beyond belief sometimes...

Not black enough?

2010-02-17T19:33:00.003-05:00

Somehow being black has a definition, a definition that I am not familiar with. I have met those that think I am not "black" enough because of who I am naturally. I speak in complete, understandable sentences. I don't like 99% of the rap I hear on the radio. BET does not entertain me in the least. I think Baby Phat is beyond ghetto looking. I don't watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" because I think those ho's are idiots. I cannot stand to see little girls with a gazillion beads or barrettes in their hair. Somehow that is what makes a black person black... WTF? So when is "black" about what you do instead of who you are? Yes I am an oddity but so what! So I watch Japanese cartoon in Japanese. So what if I like rock more than rap. So what if I like Aeropostale over Apple bottom. That makes me what then since it means I am not black? I will tell you what it makes me... It makes me Shaunelle De'Braux. Take that for what it is.

How can we NOT help you?

2010-01-06T08:00:00.002-05:00

So as a health care worker for over 2 years now I have seen a growing and disturbingly frustrating trend... why are more and more people coming to the hospital telling us of their health issues then refusing to let us treat them? How can we know what meds to give you, to help you get better, if we can't do any test to find out what's wrong because you refuse them all? What the hell did you come to the hospital for then? You just wanted to spend $1500 to complain to someone? For all of that call up a family friend, it is a whole hell of a lot cheaper. Even better are the family members that bring someone in and then constantly complain you aren't doing enough yet don't want you to do anything at all. You want him to be comfortable, you want his swelling to go down, or you want to know why he is in multi-system failure. Yet we can't do a biopsy, you don't like the way it sounds. We can't do blood test because you don't want us drawing blood, he had his blood drawn once already so we should be able to run EVERY SINGLE TEST from that ONE vial! Let's talk him out of the MRI, the machine is too loud. So exactly what would you, the annoying overbearing family, like for us to do? Want us to guess what's wrong? Better yet how about lets have the doctor stare at him really hard and see if they can see his internal structures. Ooh ooh how about lets write a random prescription and hope it works? If you want us to help, then step back and let us do just that... thank you.

Why blog?

2010-01-05T22:17:00.004-05:00

I have had many people ask me why I blog. I tell them that it is my way off getting things off of my chest and out of my head. Of course the next question is: why don't you just talk to someone? Why you ask? I don't "talk" because I don't want to. When I blog I don't have to hear the obvious pity in your voice. I don't feel like having the bible thrown at me, I get it-pray more that fixes everything. I don't have to see the disparaging look on your face as you hear what is really on my mind. I don't have to listen to your pretend sincerity and concern. I don't have to have you interupt everything I say because you feel the need to give me your "expert" advice. I don't have to listen to you tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I feel. I don't have to hear the "sunshine and rainbows" bullshit that you want me to believe. I can say what I need to say without judgement. I don't have to censor myself. I can cry as I express myself and no one can see me at my weakest. I don't have to worry that you won't understand how I feel, my words understand me perfectly. I am not a talker, I don't like to verbalize my feelings. I will express myself the best way I know how so accept the way I am. This post is NOT directed at one person or one particular moment. This is to all of you, all of you that feel I need to share my feelings, all of you that think you want to know how I am feeling. If you really want to know, read the blog because that is the closest you will get to expression.

Guilt...

2009-12-15T13:40:00.000-05:00

Not sure why but I feel guilty about my family situation. My sisters and I all dealt with the loss of my mother in our own ways. They acted out, I went numb and burried myself in work and school. I didn't really try and help my sisters get thru it, mostly because I was frustrated with what they were doing so I emotionally walked away. Maybe if I had tried to get them to talk, or maybe tried to steer them in the right direction, maybe if I hadn't shut down, maybe we wouldn't all be like this. Maybe they would have graudated high school, maybe they would have gone to college, maybe none of them would have done jail time, maybe drugs wouldn't be involved. Should I have stepped up? Should I have tried to keep the family together? Was that my responsibility? My mom wanted the best for us. She wanted us to have the world in our hands. I am trying to reach that, I want her to be proud...my sisters haven't quite gotten on that band wagon yet. It pisses me off to the fullest that we all had the same mother and they disrespect her and all she stood for, blatantly. By doing the things they do, they are spitting on her grave in my eyes. Maybe that is why I walked away from them. Deep down I think I am angry at them for dishonoring her memory. I know my mom wanted us all to stay close when she died. She knew we were all we had and we needed each other. I feel like I am letting her down. I have to shake this off, I have to deal with these thoughts before they deal with me...

Why can't we all just get along?

2009-11-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here watching Tough Love on VH1. Why can't bitches get along? Why is it that whenever you put a bunch of females together they have to act completely stupid? Everyone hates everyone and its fights galore. Why do women feel they are in competition with each other whenever they are around another female? I know the reality show pick women they know will fight because it makes for good tv but I have seen it for myself. We all know what I am talking about. For example, take a group of three-five girls. Let one girl walk away and then count the seconds before her "friends" start talking trash... 30 seconds tops. Why? Why do females feel they have to knock the others around them down. Whats worse is how judgemental we are. I have had trash talked about me by broads that don't know me, they know of me. I know plenty of women that have gone/are going through the same thing. Why? Why are girls like that? Do guys go through the same thing?

Squatters

2009-11-05T17:30:00.001-05:00

This ladies and gentlemen is the sign posted on the door of the "neighbors" house. Yes that says its condemned and yes they are still in there. Now most people would try to lay low...no not these people. Instead they sit right on the porch with the door WIDE open. In fact its like the sign is more of a suggestion than a demand. Mind you these are the same people that stole a generator and continuously fueled it for over two weeks to avoid paying electricity. I am wondering what it is going to take to get them out of there. What makes it so bad is the fact that THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THERE!!! Two elementary aged children!!!! Who is looking out for them? Why are they living in a house with no electricity or water? CBS 6 has been here and done a story on that house and yet the kids are still there. I will keep the world posted on what happens with this house...

But I looooove him...

2009-10-28T21:53:00.000-04:00

You love him. You cherish him. But does he do the same for you? Since when did we as women decide it was ok to settle on whatever walks into our lives? Why are women accepting substandard men? How does that make sense? You work all day to provide food for the house, yet he stays home and plays video games. You have to beg him to spend time with you, yet the moment a homeboy pops up he is gone. You're in school because where you are is not where you plan on staying, he has been the same loser for the last 2,3,4,5 years you've been together. You have never been in trouble a day in your life, he's in and out of jail like its his second home. The place is in your name, yet he walks around like he runs it. You can do so much better, yet he knows you're not going anywhere. You are 100% faithful, yet you can't say the same for him. What makes you think you deserve this? Why do you not see yourself as the wonderful being that you are? How can you think this is love? Men the same goes for you. Why are you settling for women that you know are beneath you? You give her your heart and soul, she wants shoes and clothes. You constantly lift her up, she constantly puts you down. You want the family life, she wants the fast life. You know you can do better, she knows you won't go far. Come on my fellow people, you deserve better so go get it

Hiatus?

2009-10-20T00:06:00.000-04:00

Maybe it is time for me to go on hiatus... Too much is going on in my life and I think I need to step away for a while. It seems like the need to get away has been hitting people left and right. I have friends that have either disappeared for an extended period of time or are going on their hiatus now. I think I may need to follow suit. I have school which is only going to get harder. There is the BS with my sister that seems to only get worse and that is stressing me out. This month makes 10 years since my mother lost her battle to cancer. And just for effect I am losing someone that I consider family to an illness that she shouldn't have to suffer with. When is enough too much? I keep getting told that God never puts more on you than you can bear, call me what you want but that statement is a lie and I will tell anyone that I feel that way. Have I stopped believing in God? NO, I know he is up there. Do I believe in the God portrayed in the Bible? That is what I have to figure out. I need to step away from things and do some SERIOUS soul searching because my vision is cloudy right now.

Hatred

2009-10-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

How do you fight an emotion as strong as hatred? I am slowly being consumed by this feeling and I know how I am when I get this way. I don't want to feel it. I have felt this emotion so strongly before that I nearly lost myself in it. I have to fight it. I have to stay strong. I cannot let hatred take over. I am angry but I must deal with it now before it turns in to something more. She has pissed me off yet again. She is trying to rob me of my happiness. I WILL NOT LET HER SUCCEED. I will be fine, I know I will. God has me and with him, all things are possible...

Just not that in to you

2009-10-11T14:12:00.000-04:00

How do you tell someone that it is never going to happen? I am normally able to say exactly what I feel but for some reason I am apprehensive about hurting people's feelings. We had something together at one time. He let it go. Now he wants it back and I am just not feeling it. I have moved on. I have grown up. I have found someone that makes me happy. I think I am in my happy place right now... And now all of a sudden not one, but two exes decide to pop back into my life and claim a place. Uh no, it doesn't work like that honey. What bothers me is I was hurt by both of these people and yet I cannot bring myself to be hurtful to them. I guess I should take that as a positive because it means my attitude is improving (doesn't it?). I want to tell them to "eat dick and die" but yet that just shows resentment and I am over the past. It happened, we were young, they were stupid. But that still leaves me in this predicament, how do I get it through to them that they stand no chance without having to revert to the asshole I once was...

He may not be a douchebag but he plays one on tv...

2009-09-16T15:56:00.000-04:00

This has been a glorious year for Douchebags. Mark Sanford is grade A, 100% natural, USDA inspected, and FDA approved moron. I am going to disappear and go see my fling in another country, come back like nothing is wrong, profess my love for her on national TV, and expect my wife to stay by my side. There is Jon Gosselin who to me looks like he has down syndrome and is a paparazzi whore. Then there is Kate Gosselin making her talk show rounds. And why? Because people with "no life" want to hear about "their lives". On to Rep Joe Wilson (my South Carolina is looking good aren't we?) with his outburst during a PRESIDENTIAL speech. Bet he wouldn't have done that if Bush were talking now would he? And we voted him in? For our latest induction into the Douchebag Hall of Fame, drum roll pleeeeease... Kanye West! How egocentric do you have to be to steal someone elses moment of happiness to tell them they don't deserve it, someone else entirely deserves it? Then he goes on late night tv to say, "oops my bad, probably not the best thing for my image huh?" Ugh, where do we find theses people and why do we give them a chance to be in the spotlight?

Livin and lovin love

2009-09-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

I am softening up. My heart is beginning to bloom. I am feeling something I haven't felt in a long time. I am feeling close to someone. You have found a whole in my wall that I have built to keep the outside world out. I am scared shitless! I am not one to let people get close to me. If anyone becomes a part of my world it's because I LET them. But you... oh you... you have found a way around my defenses. You are exploiting loop holes. I don't know how its happening. I don't know why its happening. I just know I don't want it to stop...

GI-OH NO!

2009-08-16T22:08:00.000-04:00

Quick! Name every action movie cliche you can think of. Ok now put it all together in about and hour and a half long movie. Take away any essence of a storyline. Now throw in some soldiers. You now have the GI JOE movie. This movie was over acted and under scripted. You would think from the previews that this movie would be kick ass. Think again! The plot was underdeveloped. The writing was non existent. Even the special effects were mediocre! Just tell me how in the hell someone can break into the GI JOE headquarters WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING?!?!? Not one damn alarm went off until General Hawk hit the one under his desk AFTER he had damn near been killed? The best damn scenes involved kids fighting!!!!!! The movie was predicatable and it seems to me they rushed it through production. The movie rests on nothing but special effects and those could have been better. If you happen to be under the age of 14 then you will love this movie. If you have already hit puberty, just wait for the dvd.

Woe unto the world

2009-08-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

So talking to you has been once again, as depressing as talking to Marvin the manic depressive robot. The world is against you. Everything became too hard when mommy died. Everything just keeps going wrong and you don't know why. I would like to venture a guess and say... MAYBE YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER! You know what? Yes, losing our mother messed you, me, and our other two sisters up. Instead of living for her and thru her you use her death as an excuse to do nothing. It will NEVER be fair what we as a family had to go thru at such young ages but it happened and we have to deal with it at one time or another. It hurts, God knows it is a pain that will never fully subside. My heart hurts just as much as yours and she is on my mind everyday. Losing her is not the reason things are bad for you though. You won't do anything for yourself. You live with this person and that person. Every guy you have ever dated has been some abusive street thug. You can't survive in VA so you go back to NC, mind you which you left to come to VA. You have no reason to be in VA or NC but you seem to float in between the two states meeting the worst people. To make matters worse, when your name no longer works for you, you decide mine will do. You fuck me over every way you know how and then dip back to NC where I can't find you. Rather than just stand up and take it like a woman you slink back into some hidey-hole and wait until the dust settles but I am supposed to feel sorry for you? I can no longer muster up any more sympathy. You have been like this since before mommy died, when you would stay out all night and then get mad because you couldn't sleep all day. Maybe if you stopped smoking weed long enough to get a job... maybe if you stopped living with any man that opens the door... maybe if you learn to take responsibility... maybe if you FORMULATE A PLAN before you just leave one place going to the next... maybe if you stop feeling sorry for yourself... maybe if you stop living in the past... maybe if you grow the fuck up... maybe, just maybe you can break your cycle.

un-people person

2009-08-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

So how is it that I want to be a nurse, I get along great with everyone, people love me, but I HATE PEOPLE?!? Maybe that is the wrong way to say it... I strongly dislike the human race. I was never that kid that went to sleepovers. I never wanted to be popular, in fact I spent all four years of high school trying to get out. I couldn't join a sorority because I can't tolerate being around more than two females at a time (our species annoys me to no end). If I do go out it is with a select group of people refered to as friends. Aren't people like me considered anti-social? Aren't we the ones you all call loners? Aren't we the ones that sit at the corner table by ourselves with our noses in books? Aren't we the ones that freak you out because you have no idea how to deal with us? Well I can tell you how to deal with me. DON'T! If I am alone at a table it's because I want to be. If I have turned down going out with you it's because I don't want to. If I don't pick up the phone it is because I don't want to talk. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just leave me alone.

And so it begins...

2009-07-14T22:33:00.000-04:00

I have decided to give life a shot. There is no reason for me to stay behind these walls that I have built. I gave up on life because I seemed to get nothing out of it. The harder I tried the worse things got. Everything I wanted was just too far away to get. Then I realized something... maybe what I wanted isn't what I needed. Life happens the way it does for a reason. And where did I learn this lesson from? My parents? No, I tend to tune them out because they immediately start preaching. My friends? I don't really have many of those. The bible? Of course but it's a little hard for me to understand the scripture but I do try. So where did I learn most of my lesson? I learned it from a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Cuelho. The entire book is about a young sheppard looking for life's treasure. On his journey he realizes that life itself and its experiences are the real treasures. It was like having an epiphany. Someone wasn't preaching to me, someone wasn't talking down to me, I didn't get the Bible thumped at me. I got to read what I needed to hear and that got threw to me far easier than anything else. After I took a long hard look at what I had been asking God for I realized, I didn't need damn near any of that stuff. As I started praying for what I truely needed I have watched as God answered in perfect time. I need my health, I need my happiness, I need love, I need my family and as I look at my life I have all of those. He didn't give me what I wanted because he was busy giving me the necessities. What I want will come when it is supposed to, I just have to learn patience. So I shall step back and let life go in the direction it is meant to go. Don't get me wrong I am still in charge of who I am and what I do but He is in charge of me being in charge of my life. And so it begins...

Me, not me

2009-07-13T12:28:00.000-04:00

I must admit that I am not who I portray myself to be. I give off this air of independence. I act as though I need no one. I keep all of you away from me. The truth is I am not the tough person you all know me to be. I push everyone away because I can't be hurt if there is no one around to hurt me. It gets lonely but I do it for my own good. I wish I knew how to open up to you. I wissh I knew how to not be a bitch to you. I wish I could love you and let you love me back. But I can't... not yet... but one day...

Let it go McDonald's, let it go...

2009-07-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

So despite my better judgement I had one of those new Angus burgers from McDonald's, yeah I know stupid but I was curious. OH MY GOD is was disgusting! The meat was way too salty, it was slathered in so much mayo that is ran off the burger, the red onions must have been like two days old, I think they just grabbed a side salad and threw that lettuce on there. It was like they tried to copy Hardee's thickburgers and failed miserably! My stomach is doing backflips trying to get rid of this monstrousity! Everytime I burp I get a spoiled onion taste in my mouth. I forced myself to eat half the burger because i paid $6.00 for the damn meal. My advice to McDonalds is for them to stick to what they do best and leave the real beef burgers to someone, anyone, else.

Americanized Anime

2009-06-24T22:32:00.000-04:00

Why is it that whenever an anime is translated and formatted for American tv they try to change things? I love anime but I don't like it in English. They change the dialogue to sound uber cheesy or they water it down considerably. Take Sailor Moon, there are about 5 seasons or 200 or so episodes. Only 2 seasons were shown on general tv because we couldn't figure out how to continue making people believe Uranus and Neptune were "cousins" when in fact they were lesbians! Bleach dialogue in it's original Japanese is more intense than its English counterpart. Dragonball, well lets not even go there because all DBZ fans were hurt to the core when we saw that. What I would love to see is a series translated word for word from Japanese to English and put on main stream television. Wonder how long before the first complaint rolls in?

Self Paced

2009-06-23T21:27:00.000-04:00

So I am in an accelerated nursing program which doesn't have semesters , we have 5 week mods. We have to learn a whole lot very fast but we knew this when we started the program. Somehow, after the second mod people are just realizing "oh this is a lot of work". They want the information literally handed to them. My professor is awesome. She goes through the chapter and points out what we really need to focus on, she gives us study guides, she is willing to stay after to give extra help, she even list the clinical terms for the chapter that we need to know. My GOD what else could you ask the woman to do??? Well apparently our quizzes need to be made a certain way, our study guides need to pratically tell us word for word what to study, oh and if she could give bonus points on our test for no reason that would be appreciated. WTF?!? We are in fucking college and we are in an adult ACCELERATED program!!! NOTHING is going to be handed to you so put your hands back into you pockets and get over it. What do they think working in the clinical setting is going to be like, " Oh I don't feel like looking at the dosage for this medication, can you do it for me?" Uh no, get off your ass and do it yourself! She can give us the means to do well but our professor cannot teach us how to study, that is a skill we should have by now! What makes it worse is the fact that the "complainers" like to speak as if the whole class feels the same way they do. All the bithcing is just going to make her stop giving us any of the "extras" she has given us. Why is plenty never enough?

Tattooed and Ladylike

2009-06-17T22:55:00.000-04:00

What exactly makes a woman "ladylike"? Random question but I just saw an article about worst women tattoos and read some of the comments that were left (www.lemondrop.com/2009/02/18/worst-tattoos-on-women/). Somehow these men that responded to the article decided that a woman having tattoos makes them "skank-whores" and less than women. It blew my mind that my body art was also a comment on my moral sensibilities. I wasn't aware that having my mother's name made me a tramp? Who knew the angel made me a heathen? The "RIP MOM" just adds the frosting to the slut-cake huh? Other commentors decided that a tattooed woman will never find a job or a mate. Yet, I have a job I enjoy and I am single because I choose to be. This is not the response I have gotten from the men around me, in fact most guys I have met liked my ink. So this leaves me to wonder, are these just isolated idiots or is the dislike of female tattoos more common than I ever realized?

Natural

2009-06-06T07:35:00.000-04:00

For those that don't know I have been "natural" since Feb 08 and I love it. I have had my ups and downs and almost went back to relaxers but no one said it would be easy. My hair is so much healthier and thicker and that's what I wanted. So may I ask the common masses this question? Why in the HELL do you feel the need to ask me when am I going to get a relaxer again? My other favorite question is "if you're not going to lock then what are you going to do with it?" Sweetie, if I wanted a relaxer I would have one don't you think? Have you ever considered that I just might let it continue to grow in all its thick glory? Why do I have to do "something" to my hair? What just kills me are the nasty looks from females whom have burnt off their entire hairline but you have the nerve to give me the stank look! Yeah keep looking, maybe you can learn how to go back to having a forhead instead of that big ass fivehead your receding hairline gives you. I am not one of those militant naturals that feel like everyone should be natural and those who aren't are wrong and let's go back to the motherland, and blah blah blah. In fact i could care less what you do with your hair, IT'S YOURS. I don't go around asking you when are you going natural so don't ask me about getting a relaxer. I just think it's rude because basically you're implying I need one. I cannot make you happy and I'm not going to try so let's leave it alone shall we?

Idiot repellent

2009-05-19T22:15:00.000-04:00

I have figured out that a choice that I have made turned out to be idiot repellent. I am celibate and have been since February. Apparently when you tell most men this wonderful tidbit of information (and I use the term "men" lightly), they run as fast as they can in the other direction! It's great! I have not had to deal with an ignorant bastards in months and immediately I know exactly what they are after so it's no loss to me. It's almost too good to be true. Grant it going without is HARD, probably the hardest thing I have done in a long time, but it's not too bad. To be honest there is no specific reason for my decision to be celibate. I just stopped and that was that. My ability to attract the worlds worst guys may have had a hand in some cosmic way in my ease with the decision but it was not the reason for it. Being idiot free feels really good, you should try it sometimes...

Wondertwin dilemma...

2009-04-27T18:18:00.000-04:00

Since I have been working at the hospital I have been best friends with my "Wondertwin", and yes we are actually referred to as the Wondertwins we even have an arch nemisis. We started working there at the same time, we both run with PGEC, we are both perpetual children, he can say a line from Spongebob and I know what line comes next, we have a breakfast and lunch routine for God's sake! Since we met we have been two peas in a pod. If you see one of us at the hospital, the other is not far behind. It's gotten to the point that we are starting to look alike (both light skinned, wear glasses, etc..) He is like the male version of me. So what is my dilemma you ask? According to everyone else in the hospital we are either A) dating, B) married, or C) actual twins that are "unnaturally" close. At first we tried explaining that we are just the best of friends but that seemed to only fuel people's suspicions. Now whenever we are asked if we are A,B, or C, we answer "ok" (you should see the puzzled looks we get with that answer!) What irks me is that most of the time we aren't asked, people go and ask our other coworkers about us. Is it wrong to go along with people's assumptions since answering honestly got me nowhere? Personally I think it's fun but is it "bad"?

Taking a break

2009-04-22T20:32:00.000-04:00

I have come to the decision that I need to take break from relationships. I keep meeting the scum at the bottom of the barrel and I need to figure out why. There is something I am doing to attract these weirdos and I seriously have to stop it. Maybe it is Karma doing her job. Normally women walk around complaining about how "men are this" and "men are that" and they, the woman, has done nothing wrong . Well I am not that woman. I know that I have done things to hurt others and Karma is a bitch. I think Karma is making her go-rounds with me and that's why I keep meeting these people. Karma would like for me to know what it feels like to be hurt, because I know I have been a cold-hearted bitch that didn't give a damn about anyone's feelings but my own. I am taking these recent relationship fuck-ups as a lesson learned. I could be bitter and blame everyone else for what I have been through but honestly, some of this is MY fault. So Karma if you are out there listening, I get it now. If I want to be treated the right way I have to treat others the same way as well. I am going to take the time off to get things together and then I am jumping back into the game head first. So here goes the beginning of the end of my old life...

Is this even Dragonball?

2009-04-14T16:57:00.000-04:00

I went to see Dragonball Evolution, yeah my mistake but I thought I should since I am an avid DB and DBZ fan. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRAGONBALL ANYTHING! The only thing that links this movie to the franchise is the name of the characters and that is about it. I got over how the characters looked, it's live action and it would be hella hard to get Goku's hair to look believable so that didn't bother me. The story, on teh other hand I can''t get over. Maybe I am being too harsh but the story had nothing to do with ANY story line from the show I have ever seen. I know, I know it's not supposed to be exactly like the anime but DAMN couldn't they have atleast tried to follw some part of the show. Maybe this is supposed to be the awkward teenage years of Goku, you know after Dragonball but before Dragonball Z? It took things out of the story and changed them completely. Example, you ask? Here's one: as we know Goku is a Saiyan and as a child (in the DB series not DBZ) his tail had to be cut off, if not when he looked at the full moon he turned into a giant ape-like creature. Not so says 20th Century Fox. Instead it won't happen till after his 18th birthday, no tail needed and only when he looked at the "bloodmoon", AKA solar eclipse. Yeah that threw me for a bit of a loop as well. Who looked at this story and said "hey this will make a great movie!"? They should be dragged down the streets and flogged! Oh well it is what it is but I will tell you what it ain't... IT AIN'T DRAGONBALL!

Myspace is no longer my space

2009-04-08T20:55:00.000-04:00

I have had a lot of people ask me why have a facebook page when I have a myspace, here's why:
1:no horney boys hitting my page leaving disgusting comments
2:no random spam messages
3:I have yet to see a profile pic of someone with their butt sticking out trying to be cute but failing miserably
4:I have yet to see any photos of guys taking the "shirtless pic" in front of the mirror (why, oh why do people do that?)
5:all my college friends are on facebook
6:I don't get friend requests from somebody who's going to be the "next big rap star"
7:my myspace page has been hacked twice (and horrble things were sent to friends by "me"), my facebook has never been touched
8:it's really easy to upload photos to facebook and all my friends are immediately notified
9:I can connect my blog to facebook without having to copy and paste, it's automatic!!!!
10:I can IM online friends without having to download some seperate program (because doing work at work is sooo overrated)

Myspace has become too raunchy for me. Some of the stuff on some people's profiles is just outrageous and lewd. Too many kids trying to be grown ups and too many grown ups trying to be kids. Maybe it is just me that feels this way... but if I get one more "girl I wanna do so and so to you" comment I am deleting that damn page!!!

The IR idiots

2009-04-08T20:27:00.001-04:00

Question: How many people do you have to kill before someone takes a step back and thinks "hmmm, maybe our policies need work"? Our Interventional Radiology department has to be full of the dumbest smart people you will ever meet. There are too many people in the department in the first place. There are only four fucking rooms why do you need over 20 doctors, nurses, and techs all at the same time!!! In the last month there have been at least two unneeded fatalities due to stupidity amd yet people think transpoters are the stupid people! What kills me is this is just brushed over and they move on to the next patient, WTF!!!!!!! Is it really no longer about patient care? Are we, as a hospital, really all about the money? As a transporter I see the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. I may not have the degree that they have but I have the compasion they don't have. Most of my coworkers are the same way, WE CARE ABOUT OUR PATIENTS but sadly we cannot be there as a patient advocate once the procedure area gets the patient. We point out things that need to be improved but because we don't have some unnecessary degree abd 30 letters behind our names our voice is not heard. Maybe one day we will get back to what working in a hospital is really about, taking care of those in need.

Family

2009-03-31T21:14:00.000-04:00

What does family actually mean? Just because someone shares the same blood line as you does that make them family? If someone would have asked me this a while ago I would say yes, now I know better. My sister has made it abundantly clear that blood is NOT thicker than water. She has done some things that I am having to pay for and she doesn't sem to care how hard she has made things for me. I actually have to file and press charges against her for things she has done. At first I felt guilty for taking the steps to get my life back from her but she doesn't feel guilty for stealing my life from me so to hell with it. I am tired or being used by my own damn family. I am walking away from some members of my so called "family". I have myself to worry about and I can't keep fixing other people's problems. IT IS MY TURN NOW!!

Groggy amd disconnected

2009-03-24T12:37:00.000-04:00

So I am taking muscle relaxers for back spasms and whooooooa nelly! I woke up this morning and didn't realize I was up. I have been in a fog all morning and the fog is just starting to clear. I don't like that feeling, especially since I work in a hospital! On a good note though I slept like a baby but I was hella tired this morning. I like the fact that I am sleeping better but not the fact that my mind is in in a smoke for like four hours after I am up. Oh well

Therapy

2009-03-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

For the first time ever I went to therapy (my parents think I'm crazy). It wasn't anything like I thought it would be. There was no sterotypical couch to lay on. There was a couch but it was just like the one you might expect to find in your grandmother's living room. My therapist was a short portly lady that I swear would have made an awesome kindergarten teacher! I found it hard to talk but apparently she has dealt with people like me before. Instead of waiting for me to start she asked questions that led to me giving full on biography-style answers. It feels weird knowing I have a therapist because it is like I am acknowledging the fact that I am crazy. Therapist are for people that can't handle their own problems, or so I thought. Looks like my idea of "handling" my issues was to just act like it wasn't even there. Yeah, that doesn't work after a while. It's like that hallway closet, you know the one. It's the one where you keep piling things in but never clean it out? It gets harder and harder to close the door and then it becomes impossible and everything spills out. I am that closet and I am about to explode into the hallway. That's probably not the best way to express yourself now is it?...

Motion sickness

2009-03-17T12:06:00.000-04:00

I just recently volunteered at a rescure squad. Great right? Not really... I am in training so I sit on the back of the ambulance (normally where the patient is) and I just found out I get motion sickness! My stomach and I were fighting with each other something horrible! I nearly threw up like three times on the way to a call. What puzzles me dearly is that I can eat and ride a roller coaster directly afterwards and feel nothing, NOTHING! I eat and drive with no problem. Yet you put me on the back of an ambulance and I am two seconds from becoming the patient! I wonder if I am nervous and that nervous energy is making me sick? Hmmm... time for a bit of self-diagnoses.

Life lessons learned from... Spongebob?

2009-03-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love spongebob squarepants. Yes, he is a kitchen sponge and he lives in a pineapple under water but the little fella has heart. He loves his friends dearly, he can find happiness in the smallest things, he NEVER gives up (even when he should), and he does everything with enthusiasm. It is a cartoon that makes no sense most of the time (he works at a burger joint underwater, how does he cook?) but there are little things that can be translated to real life. Maybe my job wouldn't suck so much it I approached it with the joy that Spongebob does, even on the worse days "I'm ready, I'm ready". I need to love the hell out of my friends and be there whenever they need me, I need to be the Spongebob to their Patrick. When it looks like I should just give up I am going to get back behind the wheel till I "pass that boating exam". I am going to enjoy each and everyday like it's "the best day ever".

Virginia Weather

2009-03-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

Is there any reason why Virginia doesn't know whether it want to be winter or spring? Last week we had snow, inches of it. Last weekend it was almost 80. Now it's suposed to be a "wintry mix". How about we just stick with spring and stay in the 70's? I am sick as hell from the weather changes. As soon as I adjust to the warm weather it gets cold and as soon as I get used to the cold weather it gets warm. There is a saying that people told me wen I moved up here in 2006, "if you don't like the weather just wait a while" OMG that is sooo beyond true. We can go through all four seasons in one damn week. Oh well, I am off to take some cold medicine and try and sleep it off.

Gimme a gun, I'll handle it...

2009-03-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

A psycho in Alabama took a gun and shot 10 innocent people including 2 children, CHILDREN!! In Germany a nutjob took a gun and shot 15 in a high school, what the hell?!?!? What could be so wrong that you have to go and kill others? Do us all a favor and shoot yourself so we don't have to do it. Some people say "guns are the problem, guns kill people..." Ok so let me lay a gun on the table and let's wait to see how long it takes for the gun to load itself and start shooting. It doesn't matter how many restrictions you put on guns, idiots that mean harm will find a way to get them while honest people will have to remain unarmed. Let us arm ourselves against these creeps. Instead of 10 people dead an armed citizen may be able to keep it to 1: the creep that wants to hurt people. I am against violence but I am all for protecting yourself. *gets off soap box*

Taxes suck

2009-03-10T21:13:00.000-04:00

Just did my taxes. Last year got about 700 back. This year I get a whole 262 dollars!!!! This is some complete bullsh*t! To top it off I did my FAFSA and am expected to be able to contribute more money towards my schooling. Yeah probably not going to happen, in case the government doesn't know I AM BROKE! I hate this, I want to go to school but they make it almost impossible to afford it. Why should we have to pay out the a** just to further ourselves? Call me a conspiracy nut but I don't think "they" want us to succeed because then we won't need "them" around. Maybe they are afraid of what will happen if everyone had access to education. Hmmm... maybe I'm onto "them".

Cell phones are EEEEEEEEEVIL!

2009-03-09T20:58:00.000-04:00

With all the technology that goes into cell phones why and the hell don't they do what they are supposed to do? My phone is touch screen, web capable, bluetooth enabled and a piece of crap! I have the palm centro and the touch screen works sometimes. Web? Yeah when it's ready. Bluetooth? If it is in the mood. I lose signal in the damn sprint store!!!!! I am so ready to just go back to carrier pigeons and be done with it!

Beautiful day

2009-03-08T22:55:00.001-04:00

The ordinary extraordinay day

2009-03-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

The day started as it always does. Clock in, get a trip, go get the patient. Nothing unusual. Had my usual stupidity to deal with but hey, that is normal. The something weird and amazing happened. I went to my boss about a problem that occured because of one of our procedure areas. Not only did he listen, actually LISTEN, he then TOOK MY COMPLAINT SERIOUSLY!!!! Then, get this, he reported it to the proper people AND gave me credit for pointing it out!!! What the HELL? Who is this man and what have they done with my real boss!

Street Fighter?

2009-03-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

Just got back from seeing Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li. Not sure how I really feel about it. The fighting effects were really good and Kristen Kreuk did a good job as Chun Li in my opinion. I just feel like alot of the other characters were overacting. The character of Mya was basically a slut with a bagde that was to be the hottie Bangkok cop (I don't think she is an actual game character). Nash was the hard edged interpol detective that was too hard edged. I don't really understand why Nash and Mya got so much movie time in a movie about Chun Li but whatever. Balrog was a bit, well, stereotypical. I would have liked to see alot more Vega, he got his butt kicked WAAAY too easily. Something about Gen's voice bothered me but I am not sure what it was. Bison had like some SERIOUS blond hair and blue eyes. True to the game though he was one tough and bad ass fighter. And for those of you hoping to see Ken and Ryu, your hopes have now been crushed, I am guessing they are saving them for the next movie. Overall I enjoyed myself but I just feel like it could have been executed a bit better. Ok, I am done playing movie critic :-)

Is stupidy an epidemic?

2009-03-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

I work at a REALLY big inner city hospital. I can understand why people get lost, the design is confusing. My problem? Let me describe my most recent conversation at the elevator area: visitor- "I am on the second floor of main hospital, how do I get to the first floor?" me-"Just get on the elevator and go down one and you will be right there." visitor-"how will I know it is the first floor?" me-"ma'am it is only one floor below us, in fact you can take the stairs if you like" visitor irrate now-" how am I supposed to know to go down one floor, there are no signs!" me-"well ma'am I guess we assumed that most people would be able to figure out how to get from the second to the first floor without a sign." I had to walk away because stupidy might be contagious. Maybe I am paranoid but I am not taking any chances!

Facade

2009-03-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

For so long, years in fact, I have worn a facade. I wake up in the morning and put on my clown smile and proceed through the day as the happy go lucky girl. I exude confidence. I embody strength. I am grace. That is what I make everyone believe. It is easier to have everyone think everything is ok than to try to explain why it's not ok. No one would really understand anyway. To be honest, this person I portray is who I want to be but it is not who I am. I am shy and awkward but I have learned to hide it well. I am so weak that I don't have the strength to go on sometimes. I am really about as graceful as a cat walking across ice. I ask myself, "why can't I be who I pretend to be?" As of yet I have no answer. Maybe one day I can stop pretending and just be me.