No thanks, I will tough it out

For over a year now I have had an issue with my knee. I have great health insurance, and I work in a hospital... yet I will not go to the doctor! I know something is wrong, I can feel it worsening day by day. What makes it so bad is I just got done yelling at my friend for not going to the doctor since she was sick yet my leg is about to fall off and I am trying to shake it off... What the hell is wrong with me? How can I become a nurse and try and educate people on how to take care of themselves when I am letting myself fall apart? What is my aversion to the doctor? I frustrate myself beyond belief sometimes...

Not black enough?

Somehow being black has a definition, a definition that I am not familiar with. I have met those that think I am not "black" enough because of who I am naturally. I speak in complete, understandable sentences. I don't like 99% of the rap I hear on the radio. BET does not entertain me in the least. I think Baby Phat is beyond ghetto looking. I don't watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" because I think those ho's are idiots. I cannot stand to see little girls with a gazillion beads or barrettes in their hair. Somehow that is what makes a black person black... WTF? So when is "black" about what you do instead of who you are? Yes I am an oddity but so what! So I watch Japanese cartoon in Japanese. So what if I like rock more than rap. So what if I like Aeropostale over Apple bottom. That makes me what then since it means I am not black? I will tell you what it makes me... It makes me Shaunelle De'Braux. Take that for what it is.

How can we NOT help you?

So as a health care worker for over 2 years now I have seen a growing and disturbingly frustrating trend... why are more and more people coming to the hospital telling us of their health issues then refusing to let us treat them? How can we know what meds to give you, to help you get better, if we can't do any test to find out what's wrong because you refuse them all? What the hell did you come to the hospital for then? You just wanted to spend $1500 to complain to someone? For all of that call up a family friend, it is a whole hell of a lot cheaper. Even better are the family members that bring someone in and then constantly complain you aren't doing enough yet don't want you to do anything at all. You want him to be comfortable, you want his swelling to go down, or you want to know why he is in multi-system failure. Yet we can't do a biopsy, you don't like the way it sounds. We can't do blood test because you don't want us drawing blood, he had his blood drawn once already so we should be able to run EVERY SINGLE TEST from that ONE vial! Let's talk him out of the MRI, the machine is too loud. So exactly what would you, the annoying overbearing family, like for us to do? Want us to guess what's wrong? Better yet how about lets have the doctor stare at him really hard and see if they can see his internal structures. Ooh ooh how about lets write a random prescription and hope it works? If you want us to help, then step back and let us do just that... thank you.

viagra american express canada
cheap cialis the best quality pills
cialis generic discount
prescription for viagra in canada
5 sildenafil cialis generico
cialis launch
cialis video
best buy on line viagra
pulmonary hypertension infant viagra
buy cialis money order
cialis levitra better
viagra dog
before and after pictures of viagra
canada viagra prescription
buy phentermine viagra
peyronies disease and viagra
cialis penis pump decadron
buy cheap deal viagra viagra viagra

Why blog?

I have had many people ask me why I blog. I tell them that it is my way off getting things off of my chest and out of my head. Of course the next question is: why don't you just talk to someone? Why you ask? I don't "talk" because I don't want to. When I blog I don't have to hear the obvious pity in your voice. I don't feel like having the bible thrown at me, I get it-pray more that fixes everything. I don't have to see the disparaging look on your face as you hear what is really on my mind. I don't have to listen to your pretend sincerity and concern. I don't have to have you interupt everything I say because you feel the need to give me your "expert" advice. I don't have to listen to you tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I feel. I don't have to hear the "sunshine and rainbows" bullshit that you want me to believe. I can say what I need to say without judgement. I don't have to censor myself. I can cry as I express myself and no one can see me at my weakest. I don't have to worry that you won't understand how I feel, my words understand me perfectly. I am not a talker, I don't like to verbalize my feelings. I will express myself the best way I know how so accept the way I am. This post is NOT directed at one person or one particular moment. This is to all of you, all of you that feel I need to share my feelings, all of you that think you want to know how I am feeling. If you really want to know, read the blog because that is the closest you will get to expression.

Guilt...

Not sure why but I feel guilty about my family situation. My sisters and I all dealt with the loss of my mother in our own ways. They acted out, I went numb and burried myself in work and school. I didn't really try and help my sisters get thru it, mostly because I was frustrated with what they were doing so I emotionally walked away. Maybe if I had tried to get them to talk, or maybe tried to steer them in the right direction, maybe if I hadn't shut down, maybe we wouldn't all be like this. Maybe they would have graudated high school, maybe they would have gone to college, maybe none of them would have done jail time, maybe drugs wouldn't be involved. Should I have stepped up? Should I have tried to keep the family together? Was that my responsibility? My mom wanted the best for us. She wanted us to have the world in our hands. I am trying to reach that, I want her to be proud...my sisters haven't quite gotten on that band wagon yet. It pisses me off to the fullest that we all had the same mother and they disrespect her and all she stood for, blatantly. By doing the things they do, they are spitting on her grave in my eyes. Maybe that is why I walked away from them. Deep down I think I am angry at them for dishonoring her memory. I know my mom wanted us all to stay close when she died. She knew we were all we had and we needed each other. I feel like I am letting her down. I have to shake this off, I have to deal with these thoughts before they deal with me...

Why can't we all just get along?

So I am sitting here watching Tough Love on VH1. Why can't bitches get along? Why is it that whenever you put a bunch of females together they have to act completely stupid? Everyone hates everyone and its fights galore. Why do women feel they are in competition with each other whenever they are around another female? I know the reality show pick women they know will fight because it makes for good tv but I have seen it for myself. We all know what I am talking about. For example, take a group of three-five girls. Let one girl walk away and then count the seconds before her "friends" start talking trash... 30 seconds tops. Why? Why do females feel they have to knock the others around them down. Whats worse is how judgemental we are. I have had trash talked about me by broads that don't know me, they know of me. I know plenty of women that have gone/are going through the same thing. Why? Why are girls like that? Do guys go through the same thing?

Squatters

This ladies and gentlemen is the sign posted on the door of the "neighbors" house. Yes that says its condemned and yes they are still in there. Now most people would try to lay low...no not these people. Instead they sit right on the porch with the door WIDE open. In fact its like the sign is more of a suggestion than a demand. Mind you these are the same people that stole a generator and continuously fueled it for over two weeks to avoid paying electricity. I am wondering what it is going to take to get them out of there. What makes it so bad is the fact that THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THERE!!! Two elementary aged children!!!! Who is looking out for them? Why are they living in a house with no electricity or water? CBS 6 has been here and done a story on that house and yet the kids are still there. I will keep the world posted on what happens with this house...