Looking back on the year

This has been one hell of a year. I got cheated on by some miserable ol' loser. Gained a wonderful new boyfriend instead. I graduated nursing school. I got my first job as an RN. I finally spoke to my estranged sister (I haven't forgiven her yet but that is going to take a LONG time. I lost my wonderful Grandpa. I met the cousin I have been trying to meet for four years now. October 18, 2010 at 11:55 am marked eleven years since my mother died. I passed the NCLEX and made the RN title official. I am getting surgery to finally fix my jaw. Things have just been a blur really. One day I am slamming my Acute Care book closed screaming "I can't do this!" the next I am looking at the board to see which patients I have. Its funny how sometimes you can't picture your future during the present. It seems surreal. It feels like I am talking about someone else when I say I am a nurse. Its a strange yet beautiful feeling to sign "RN" behind my name. There is something else I feel. I feel like I deserve this. I have been through enough in my life to earn the good times that are here and the good times to come. This is my time. These are my blessings. This is my life. It's time for me to live it.

Dear NCLEX

Dear NCLEX,

I am writing you to tell you I am not scared of you anymore. You do not dictate my self worth. You are simply a test, a generic test created to make nurses feel like they don't know anything. Well you know what? I know a lot more than you think I do. I can save a life if I need to. I don't work in your perfect little hospital in your unrealistic world and I am totally ok with that. Instead I work on a floor full of chaos with a group of amazing nurses that can show me how to handle it. I may not know which cardiac drug fits in which category right off the top of my head but I can damn sure tell when it isn't working correctly. No, I don't know the Tanner stages of development for pediatrics but I know a sick kid when I see one. So to you NCLEX I say this: give me your best shot and watch me ricochet it right back at ya...

Change is gonna come

A couple of weeks... A couple of weeks stand between me and probably one of the biggest achievements of my life. I will be done with nursing school in a little over two months. I will have a career that I have wanted for years. I will be done with school, at least for awhile. I will have finally done it. Yet I am afraid. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of being a nurse, its my life's passion. I am afraid of the change to come. My life will change and I am sure for the better, and yet... I am afraid. I know why and it bothers me that it, well, bothers me. I am afraid of what others strive for. I am afraid of NOT having to work so hard, of NOT being a student, of NOT having to be full time here and there. I am afraid of having down time. Since the death of my mother I learned to deal with emotions by NOT dealing with them at all, just keep myself busy. I graduated high school with honors because I threw myself into school. I immediately got a full time job after school. I then went to college, never below full time. Since I was 19 years old I have been a full time employee and student somewhere. I have barely had time to sleep, let alone grieve and now I am afraid of what will happen when I DO have time. I don't want to think. I don't want to grieve. I don't want to feel. I just want to keep floating through life like I have been. I don't want things to change and there is the problem. I know me, I know the person I am. I won't sit back and enjoy my new career, my free time, my increase in pay. I won't travel, spend money, and have fun. I will work full time, and get a second job or probably try to find a reason to go back to school so things stay the way they are. Being stretched to the limit has become my comfort zone. Not dealing with my emotions has become my norm. I don't know how to just LIVE, to just BE. Its like the 90's movie "Speed", if the bus slows down or stops its going to blow up. I am that bus, if I slow down or stop I am going to finally explode from the inside out. I am afraid of all the things I will start to remember, all the things I hid away, all the things I never dealt with. I'm afraid... I'm afraid

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