Barbie? Really?

Can someone, anyone please tell me how are young girls no longer wan to become woman but want to become "Barbies"? So as a female you want to be a fake unrealistic replica of a woman? Really? At first I really blamed Nicki Manaj for this bullshit. As if our little girls don't have enough ridiculous images thrown at them! But as I take more time and think about it she isn't to blame, it would be easy to blame her. No this goes much deeper. This is what happens when moms stop being "role models" and started being "friends". Moms have stopped teaching their girls how to hold themselves to a higher standard. Moms aren't telling their little girls to be the best they can be. No, moms are now teaching their girls how to "drop it low" at three years old and posting it on youtube. Now moms are going out with their daughters to parties. Now the grandma is 45, the mom is 30, the daughter is 15 and pregnant. We have seriously got to reevaluate what we are doing...

The dumbing down of us

Since when is it cute for you to speak with such ignorance that I can not actually understand you? Why am I spending minutes, not seconds, deciphering your facebook status because it doesn't make sense? When did dumb become the new smart? Why do I now feel like a minority when I go out to certain places and listen to conversations? When did being educated go out of style? Did I miss something? Was there a newsletter that came out that stated we should forget the strength and pride of those who came before us and instead live up to the porch monkey stereotype? When the hell did my people get so... dumb? You can name every member of Young Money but you can't actually read the lyrics if I put them in front of you. You can walk around with your pants so low that you might as well just take them off but you can't walk to put in some applications and get a job. Your car is sitting on 22's and yet your babies don't have diapers. You talk about how their is nothing in your neighborhood, nowhere for you all to go, but the moment something is built you and your boys are the first ones breaking in. You talk about how drugs destroyed your family and your hood as you sell crack to the mother with 4 children and no food. You complain that someone is always trying to hold you down but you never actually tried to get up. When did we give up wanting to be teachers, doctors, lawyers? Now we want to play basketball or maybe football, and if we are being really ambitious we want to be a rapper. How did calling a woman a "five star bitch" become acceptable? Does this bother anyone besides me?

Build up to breakdown

After three years it turns out the man I though I knew, I knew nothing about at all. I loved and thought I was loved. Instead I was one of many being "loved". I gave my best and he gave his best performance. When the truth came out I didn't feel anything. I didn't hurt, I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad. Today is a different story. Today my heart is heavy. Today I am ashamed for being so stupid and blind. Today I am angry that I was used. Today my "slap-a-bitch" hand is tingling, not for her but for him. Today everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I never wanted to let a man make me cry and yet tears well up in my eyes. I never wanted to let a man steal my joy and yet I can't even fake a smile. I thought I was stronger than this and yet here I am. I guess I am going to go through several emotions over the course of this healing process. I will yell, scream, smile, cry over and over until it is done. I know that in the end I will come out stronger than I was before. I have to because I am a De'Braux, I am my mother's child and the one thing she gave me before she left this Earth was her strength.

Change is gonna come

A couple of weeks... A couple of weeks stand between me and probably one of the biggest achievements of my life. I will be done with nursing school in a little over two months. I will have a career that I have wanted for years. I will be done with school, at least for awhile. I will have finally done it. Yet I am afraid. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of being a nurse, its my life's passion. I am afraid of the change to come. My life will change and I am sure for the better, and yet... I am afraid. I know why and it bothers me that it, well, bothers me. I am afraid of what others strive for. I am afraid of NOT having to work so hard, of NOT being a student, of NOT having to be full time here and there. I am afraid of having down time. Since the death of my mother I learned to deal with emotions by NOT dealing with them at all, just keep myself busy. I graduated high school with honors because I threw myself into school. I immediately got a full time job after school. I then went to college, never below full time. Since I was 19 years old I have been a full time employee and student somewhere. I have barely had time to sleep, let alone grieve and now I am afraid of what will happen when I DO have time. I don't want to think. I don't want to grieve. I don't want to feel. I just want to keep floating through life like I have been. I don't want things to change and there is the problem. I know me, I know the person I am. I won't sit back and enjoy my new career, my free time, my increase in pay. I won't travel, spend money, and have fun. I will work full time, and get a second job or probably try to find a reason to go back to school so things stay the way they are. Being stretched to the limit has become my comfort zone. Not dealing with my emotions has become my norm. I don't know how to just LIVE, to just BE. Its like the 90's movie "Speed", if the bus slows down or stops its going to blow up. I am that bus, if I slow down or stop I am going to finally explode from the inside out. I am afraid of all the things I will start to remember, all the things I hid away, all the things I never dealt with. I'm afraid... I'm afraid

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Reflection

Stood in the mirror and took a good long look at myself and noticed all my flaws. My head is just too big. My eyes are such a plain brown. My hair is just too thick. My lips are just there to hide these damn braces. My fingers are so long and skinny. My chest is too flat. My hips look so big. My feet are so large. My skin has such a funny pink undertone. My waist isn't small enough. I am just not a pretty girl. As I stood there tears began to well in my eyes. Everything that could ever be wrong with a person was wrong with me. How could someone love this? I reached to turn off the light so I wouldn't have to see my reflection anymore but stopped. Something whispered to me "my child, look again." I raised my head and saw my real reflection. This big head is full of knowledge and fits me just fine. The plain brown eyes can see right through your bull. This thick hair is God given, gorgeous, and natural. These pouty pink lips are made to be kissed not just to hide my braces. The long skinny fingers will hold the tools to save your life soon. My bra size does not make me any less feminine. These are some good ol' fashion southern belle hips right here! These big feet keep me planted firmly on the ground. This pinkish skin was my mother's skin and it just as beautiful on me as it was on her. What man wants a small waisted woman anyway, he wants something to hold on to and I have it. You're damn right I am not a pretty girl, I am a beautiful woman. How can someone NOT love me?

No thanks, I will tough it out

For over a year now I have had an issue with my knee. I have great health insurance, and I work in a hospital... yet I will not go to the doctor! I know something is wrong, I can feel it worsening day by day. What makes it so bad is I just got done yelling at my friend for not going to the doctor since she was sick yet my leg is about to fall off and I am trying to shake it off... What the hell is wrong with me? How can I become a nurse and try and educate people on how to take care of themselves when I am letting myself fall apart? What is my aversion to the doctor? I frustrate myself beyond belief sometimes...

Not black enough?

Somehow being black has a definition, a definition that I am not familiar with. I have met those that think I am not "black" enough because of who I am naturally. I speak in complete, understandable sentences. I don't like 99% of the rap I hear on the radio. BET does not entertain me in the least. I think Baby Phat is beyond ghetto looking. I don't watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" because I think those ho's are idiots. I cannot stand to see little girls with a gazillion beads or barrettes in their hair. Somehow that is what makes a black person black... WTF? So when is "black" about what you do instead of who you are? Yes I am an oddity but so what! So I watch Japanese cartoon in Japanese. So what if I like rock more than rap. So what if I like Aeropostale over Apple bottom. That makes me what then since it means I am not black? I will tell you what it makes me... It makes me Shaunelle De'Braux. Take that for what it is.